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Upsidasium Episode 5: Crash Drive or Oedipus Wrecks/Transcript
Narrator: 'Last time, you remember, Rocky and Bullwinkle, who were stranded in the desert, got a ride in a long limousine. It was only when they were inside the car that they found it had... '''Bullwinkle: '''No window cranks! '''Rocky: '''No door handles! '''Bullwinkle: '''Must be one of those economy models. '''Rocky: '''No, sir, Bullwinkle. Something's wrong here. ''(to the driver) ''Hey, mister! '''Narrator: '''But as Rocky shook the driver's shoulder, his hat fell off. '''Rocky: '''Bullwinkle, he's a dummy! '''Bullwinkle: '''Please, Rock, you're speaking of our host. '''Rocky: '''But look! He really ''is ''a dummy! ''(Rocky rips the head off) 'Bullwinkle: '''So he is! '''Rocky: '''You know what that means, Bullwinkle? '''Bullwinkle: '''Yeah. He must've cheated on his driver's test. '''Rocky: '''No! It means we're going 80 miles an hour with nobody at the wheel! '''Bullwinkle: '''Here, let me get it, Rock! '''Narrator: '''And Bullwinkle grabbed the steering wheel only to have it come off in his hand. ''(and it gets wrapped around his neck) '''Bullwinkle: '''I was right. It ''is ''the economy model. '''Narrator: '''Meanwhile, a short distance ahead, Boris and Natasha were still wondering how to keep our friends from getting to Mount Flatten ahead of them. '''Boris: '''Hey, Moose and Squirrel just got picked up by limousine. '''Natasha: '''They'll be here in a minute, dollink. We must think fast. '''Boris: '''Think hard, Natasha. '''Narrator: '''And Natasha did think hard, and came up with a brilliant idea. '''Natasha: '''I will change the road signs! '''Narrator: '''So without telling Boris, Natasha changed the road signs to direct traffic over a nearby cliff. '''Natasha: '''Oh, Boris will be so proud of me! '''Narrator: '''Then, unfortunately, Boris had the same idea. '''Boris: '''Hey, I got it! I change road signs! '''Narrator: '''And he unwittingly changed the signs back to the way they should be. '''Boris: ''(laughs) Natasha will be so proud of me! ''(to Natasha) ''It's all settled, Natasha. Let's go. ''(Boris' motorcycle starts off on the road) Natasha: '''Turn right here, Boris. '''Boris: '''Don't be silly, Natasha. I changed the signs. '''Natasha: '''But Boris, so did--''AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!'' 'Narrator: '''And the motorcycle went off the road and plummeted downward. '''Boris: '''After this, Natasha, remember who is brains of this outfit! I figure way out of things! '''Natasha: '''Hey, Brains? '''Boris: '''Yeah? '''Natasha: '''Figure way out of ''this! 'Boris: '''Oh, boy! '''Narrator: '''And the motorcycle plunged into the treetops below and came to rest hanging from a branch. '''Boris: '''Well, here we are, safe with sound. ''(the branch breaks and it and Boris crash into the ground; Natasha drags him in a makeshift stretcher) 'Natasha: '"Meanwhile," as they say, Moose and Squirrel are beating us to Mount Flatten...Mr. Brains! '''Narrator: '''Natasha wouldn't have felt so bitter if she knew our friends' plight. The limousine did take the right turn at the detour, but then started down the mountain road at breakneck speed. '''Rocky: '''Get the wheel back in, Bullwinkle! '''Bullwinkle: '''I'm trying, Rock! '''Rocky: '''I'll see if I can turn off the engine! '''Narrator: '''Unfortunately, there were far too many buttons and knobs on the dashboard and Rocky accidentally turned on the radio instead. '''Mike Mallet: ''(on radio) All right, you guys, sit still. '''Bullwinkle: '''Yes, sir. '''Mike Mallet: '(on radio) Put your hands up. Rocky: 'Anything you say. ''(Bullwinkle frees his neck from the steering wheel as he gets his hands up) '''Mike Mallet: ''(on radio) This is the end for you rats! '''Bullwinkle: '''I had a hunch it was. ''BANG! (heard on the radio) Bullwinkle: '''Oh! They got me, Rock! '''Announcer: ''(on radio) Stay tuned now for the second half of Mike Mallet, Public Private Eye. But first, a brief word from our sponsor. '''Rocky: '''Bullwinkle, it was just the radio! '''Bullwinkle: '''I'm not dead and kilt and all? '''Rocky: '''No. But it looks like it's just a matter of time. '''Narrator: '''Fortunately for our friends, the road just then opened out to a flat straightaway. '''Rocky: '''Boy, that was pretty hair-raising. ''(Bullwinkle's hair is raised) 'Bullwinkle: '''You're telling me! '''Rocky: '''I wonder how we made it down safely. '''Bullwinkle: '''I'm not sure we did. '''Rocky: '''Bullwinkle, look at the wheel. Something or somebody's steering this car by remote control! '''Narrator: '''The brainy squirrel had done it again, for in a darkened room, miles from the car, a strange figure was directing their course with a number of push buttons. Unfortunately for our friends, while they were traveling forward at high speed, the figure punched a button marked "REVERSE," and the car was immediately torn in half. '''Captain Peachfuzz: '''Oh, fudge! '''Narrator: '''Well, who is this clumsy stranger? Maybe we'll find out next time in ''"Fender Benders" ''or ''"The Asphalt Bungle!"